Tino's Adventures of The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie/Transcript
This is the transcript for ''Tino's Adventures of The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie''. Prologue (???) Prince Alexander: Stand firm, men, for the King and Monteria! (YELLS) Back to the sea, dog! (GRUNTING) Prince Alexander! Pirate Captain: Drop your weapons or say goodbye to your prince! Prince Alexander: Robert. I should have known you were behind this cowardly attack. Robert the Terrible: Hello, nephew. Sorry I've missed the family reunions, but it's been difficult, being banished and all. Prince Alexander: Your punishment was well-earned. Robert the Terrible: That depends on your point of view. But since your daddy has left you alone and unprotected, I thought we could get reacquainted. Prince Alexander: His absence is but temporary. He has business across the Western Sea. Robert the Terrible: Is that what he told you? (CHUCKLING) He knew I was growing strong in the mechanical arts. Too strong, perhaps, for even him. You fight bravely for the son of a coward. (???) Robert the Terrible: Tie him up! Pirate: Your cutlass! Robert the Terrible: Plenty more at home. Leave it. A calling card for my cowardly brother. Take him aboard the Stubb! And be sure to bring the princess as well! Prince Alexander: She's not here. She stayed behind in Monteria. Robert the Terrible: Search the ship. Find the girl. Prince Alexander: I tell you, she's not here! Aha! Are you certain he's gone? I say, my lady, it may be prudent to remain under wraps. My lady? My brother needs help. Oh, heavens, my lady! As your butler, I cannot allow you to... Step aside, Willory. But, my lady, it's a boatful of pirates and your fencing classes have just begun! You're not yet up to the task! Perhaps you're right. Then there's onlyone thing to do.Indeed. Stay hidden untilthe rogues have left.My lady?What is it?It's from my father.His own creation.He said I was to use it onlyin the gravest of circumstances.(PIRATES SHOUTING)I'd say this qualifies.But what does it do?It's a Helpseeker.We need help.Alexander has been taken.The situation is dire.Please bring back...Let me see.What do we need?The army! The navy!Heroes. We need heroesthat can save Alexander!She's not on board, sir.Blast! Send spies to Monteriaand the surrounding isles.I need them both.Heroes?Yes. Heroes. Present Day (PEOPLE CHEERING)(WHOOPS)ALL: (SINGING) OhIt's Spanish goldfor all tonightFor King and country,now we fightOur shirts are looseOur pants are tightIt's Spanish goldfor all tonightIt's Spanish goldfor all tonightHave you seenthe show before?No, too expensive.My boyfriend got me in forfree tonight. He works here.Oh, mine, too.Family Night, right?Right.Is he in the show?No, he's justa cabin boy.Same here.But not for long.Elliot says he's a shoo-in forthe show, as soon as he tries out.Wait. You're Elliot's date?Our boyfriends are friends!(GASPING)Is that bad?No. There's somethingbehind you.Where is he?For the flowerof all gourds.Oh, Sedgewick,you're too cute.Anything for you, Ellen.It's Spanish goldfor all tonightAs Spaniards quaketo see the sightOur flag unfurledwith black and white(ALL WHOOPING)It's Spanish goldfor all tonight!WOMAN: Hooray, Sir Frederick!Picture forthe happy couple?Sure, why not?Oh, Sedgewick, come here.Put your face close to me.Look at that.Soy la reina.I'm the queen,you're the king.(CLEARING THROAT)I'll catch upwith you later.WOMAN: Hey!Cabin boy! Refill!I'm telling you this jobwill be the death of me.But you're going tokeep at itso you don't end up backin your parents' basement.Right.I like your toy.It's not a toy, it'sa labor-saving device!Sedgewick, meet Bernadette.She's Elliot's girlfriend.Pleased to meet you.Sweetie, how abouthaving your little carfetch me some barbecue sauce?It's in the back room.Out of range.Well, how about you fetchme some barbecue sauce?It's in the back room.Out of range.Sedgewick!(CHUCKLING)There he is now. Hi, Elliot.Hey, Bernadette.Elliot, would you runto the back roomand get some barbecue saucefor my new friend, Ellen?You know I would, Bernadette,but, it's just thatthe back roomis real, real dark.And?It's on my list.His list?His list of things he's afraid of.It's extensive.Well, I don't needbarbecue sauce that badly.Why doesn'the get it?Too much work.George!ALL: Huh?We'll have George get it.You can talk him into anything.GEORGE: I'm back!What took so long?Oh, I had to run an errandfor another cabin boy.George.Oh, it was nothing.How do the kids like the show?It's great. Did you see Sir Frederickknock that guy into the water?I liked it when heswung on the rope.They're both pretty takenwith Sir Frederick.He's cool!Yeah!Right.Hey, after the show's over,you want me to take youdown on the pirate ship?Sir Frederickis gonna take us.What?You don't need to waitfor Sir Frederick.I could take youon the set tonight.Yeah, Dad, but Mom saysif we come back on FridayI can bring some money and get asword just like Sir Frederick's.I'll wait till Friday.(LAUGHING)You're no match for me!Take that!Taste my steel!Cool!Did you see Sir Frederick?He's a hero!MAN: Hey, cabin boy!Refill!(GROANS)Coming.(SIGHING)I can't believe my ownkids are coming backto get a tourfrom Sir Frederick.It's just 'causehe's in the show.And he's big and strongand brave and manly.When I'm in the show,after my audition,Bernadette'll thinkI'm a hero, too.Yeah, afteryour audition.Look at George here. This guyknows every line in that show.He knows more about piratesthan Blackbeard himself.So, why didn'the try out?Yeah, George.Why don't you?It would never work.I'm just not the type.There you go.(ALL GASPING)Excuse me, sir.The day's show is over.I say, the show is over.The hour is near.The call is coming.Adventure awaits.Though you will stumble, thecrab will show you the light.When adversity devours you,a lever will set you free.When all hope is gone, help willcome from above in the shape ofa donkey!Take heed, O friends.The stage is setfor the heroes at hand.The crab of adversitywill devour the donkey?What was that about?And why would a blind guy cometo a dinner theater, anyway?Maybe he likes the music.I know what it means.BOTH: What?Don't you see? "The stage isset for the heroes at hand."We're gonna bein the show, all of us.What?Listen to me.There's the stage.We're the heroesat hand. Get it?If we all audition,we're going to be stars.How would he know?The blind are oftenblessed with keen insight.Our gals would really look upto us if we were in the show.And my kids would thinkI'm a hero.The stage is setfor the heroes at hand.I got my own set of piratecostumes in my locker.I've been saving them for,you know, whatever."The hour is near.""The call is coming."Let's give it a shot!Okay, let's get thisover with.It's way past my bedtime.Ready when you are,Mr. Hibbing!All right.Andy, cue the musicand the lights.Scene Three positions.Let's see what you've got.ELLIOT: Here we go.Avast, you scurvy dogs.You came from the sea andto the sea you shall return.Pirate two, position five.Okay.I go aloft, Captain.The height will afford mea keener view.(YELLING)Pirate three,position four.Your cutlass be sharperthan your mind, bilge rat.(EXCLAIMS)Can I do my lines from here?I'm pooped.Trigger B.(MECHANICAL ROARING)Whoa!That's on my list.(GRUNTING)Ahoy.(ALL SCREAMING)I can't believe he fired usjust for failing an audition.And breakingthe restaurant.Man, that's it for me.It's back to my parents'basement and goodbye Ellen.I needed that job.Sure, we can getsome ice cream.Okay, double-fudge for me.Hi, Jacob.Hello, Mr. Lewis.Heard aboutyour audition.I guess that makes you"The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything."(BOTH LAUGHING)Well, tough luck.Some guys got it and some guys don't.JACOB: No wonder George Jr.wants to hang out with us.His dad's a loser.(SIGHING)I don't know what went wrong.The old man...What went wrong isthat we listened to you!I should be at homeright now, watching TVas a happily employedcabin boy.I guess guys like us willnever be more than cabin boys.Oh, come on, guys.Things look kind of bad right now,but something will turn up.See what I mean?Free garbage.Oh, now we're headed someplace.We've got a metal ball.(WHIRRING)Well, what is it?Well, it could be somethingvaluable, like a Russian satellite.Or maybe a bomb.I don't thinkit's a bomb.(BEEPING)Uh-oh.I told you it was a bomb.Chuck it in the river.It think it might be a bomb.I don't think it's a bomb.I think it's a bomb.It's a bomb!It's a bomb for sure!I saw this on TV once.It's a bomb!I don't thinkit's a bomb.(BOTH WHIMPERING)(CLICKING)What happened?It stopped blinking.I pushed the button.You did what?(BOTH WHIMPERING)There's somethingyou don't see every day.So, we lost our jobs,but we got a rowboat.So maybe it's a wash.SEDGEWICK: Oh, okay.I'll say, "Hey, Ellen."The bad news is,I got fired"and I'm living inmy parents' basement again."The good news is,I got a rowboat."GEORGE: It's so old.Well, you know the saying."Give a man a fish andhe'll eat for a day."Give a man a rowboatand he'll..."You ruined my life!(BEEPING)Hey, we couldhave two rowboats.Wait!(CLICKS)(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)(ALL SCREAMING)I'm thinking we should avoidpushing any more buttons!I was going toget us another rowboat.Well, you didn't!You didn't get us another rowboat!You got us...You got us...Where are we?GEORGE: We appearto be at sea.ELLIOT: It's a lovely day.(SEDGEWICK SCREAMING)Take me home!Put me back!I don't know how.Push another button!You're the king of the buttons!But it doesn't do anything if theyaren't blinking. They're not blinking.(WHIMPERING)See? Nothing.Hey, I thinkI see something.It's a ship.Let's row over and check it out.Row?Yeah. It's a rowboat.Each of you grab anoar and start rowing.Hey, scoot over a little bit.We got to even outthe weight a little.GEORGE: You hold the skinny part.ELLIOT: I wanna be the rudder.Can I be the rudder?GEORGE: You're notrowing together.SEDGEWICK:No, you're going the wrong way.GEORGE: It's not a metaphor.I'm talking literally.It's a girl.Ahoy, there!Ahoy, strange seafarers.What brings you so far fromshore in such a modest vessel?Well, it's kind of funny.We found this rowboatin the alleybecause there was a ballin the garbage truck.This ball.(WHISPERING)The Helpseeker.Willory, they've come!WILLORY:Who's come, my lady?The heroes.They're here!What'd she say?We've been waiting for you.Quickly, come up.It's splendidto meet you.I'm Eloise,Princess of Monteria,and this is my butler,Willory.We haven't much time. Pirates havetaken my brother, Prince Alexander.With my father, the King,away in the west,it is imperative that wemount a rescue immediately.So?Well, you're the heroes.Any questions?My lady,may I have a word?We need to talk.Certainly.One moment.We'll beright with you.I mean no disrespect, but thesemen hardly seem the heroic type.They're short,rather pudgy,and for heaven's sake,they were rowing around the ocean.What is going on here?She thinks we're, uh...Heroes.But, Willory,they have the ball.Perhaps they plucked it from theocean or stole it from the real heroes.They could be piratesthemselves, you know.I mean,look how they're dressed.So, what do we do?I say we have the asparagusand the little princessturn this boat aroundand take us home.Or we take this opportunityto do what we'vealways wanted to do.Buy go-carts?No, be heroes.But we're cabin boys.They don't know that.She called us heroes.You're kidding, right?Oh, come on,how hard could it be?We sail around, we find theprince, we go back home heroes.But howcan we trust them?BecauseI trust my father.He created the Helpseeker forone purpose, to bring help.And this is the helpit has brought.It's kind of niceto be called a hero.Sure beats "loser."Well, gentlemen, areyou ready for adventure?Point the way!Oh, you're not pirates,are you?Well, we're...We surearen't cabin boys.We're friendly pirates,sort of.Oh. You don't robor pillage, do you?Oh, no, we don't doany of that stuff.In fact, we don't doanything at all.Back home, they actually call us"The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything."(LAUGHING)That's right.How comforting.Well, then, there'sno time to spare.Great. I'll drive.We'll just give it some gas.How do you start this thing?(LAUGHING) What a kidder.Elliot, let me take the wheel.You scramble up to theyard and unfurl the topsail.Come again?Position three.Oh! Aye, aye, Captain.So, you guys got TiVo?Certainly.Where are my manners?Willory, kindly bringour friend some tea.No, TiVo.It's the recording thing withthe TV thing in the future.Tea would be lovely.(GRUNTS)The spiesare in place, sir.This is great.So, where we headed?We're coming up on a bunchof islands. Real pointy ones.Yes, the Whipcrack Islands.These treacherous watersshelter many a desperate pirate.A skilled captain able to sailthis maze will find, at its center,the Inn of Jolly Joe,a popular pirate haunt.Perhaps we shouldturn back.We cannot turn back.Alexander is counting on us.Captain, are youup to the task?Sure. Why, exactly,do we need to go there?To find outmore about this.Hey, I've seen that on TV.You can cut a can with itand still slice a tomato.This cutlass belongs to thepirate who took my brother.If we find outwho the owner is,we'll be closerto finding Alexander.WILLORY: My lady,I don't think we're safe.These watersteem with pirates,and you'd makea handsome prize.We must do whatever it takesto rescue my brother, Willory.Besides, we have ourheroes to watch over us.Does anyone knowwhere the bathroom is?Oh.Don't worry about a thing, Willory.It's under control.Listen here, I don't know whoyou are or where you came from,but I know what a hero is and youthree buffoons are most definitely not.How do we look,First Mate Elliot?Looking good, Captain.Steady as she goes.Huh?Captain, did you seeanything over there?Hey, I don't see anything.Hmm.(CANNON FIRING)Oh, no!What? Oh, dear!Drop your sails andprepare to be boarded!Quickly, my lady,you must hide.What do I do?(STUTTERS)We should drop our sails.What?Drop the sails!Get to the yard and undo the knots.Position three!Okay.Perhaps you don't knowwho you're dealing with.This be One-Eyed Louie,terror of the Seven Seas.I'm giving you to the countof five to drop your sailsor we'll send youto the bottom.(PIRATES LAUGHING)ELLIOT: I'm putting you on my list.Drop the sails!Drop the sails!I don't knowhow to untie them.Five...They're bowline knots.Break the back!Back of what?Which? Where?Four...The rabbit goes around thetree twice, then down the hole.Get the rabbitout of the hole!What rabbit?Three...(SINGING)Looking for the bathroomOh! How quaint.The princess has a Powder Room!Locked. All right,where's the key?Two...I'm not getting it.The rabbit,the middle, the hole!Here, key, key, key!Oh! Look, there you are.On a big ring,just like at the gas station.One.Come on.I got to go!(PIRATES YELLING)What a marvelous strategy,pretending you couldn't untie a knotwhile Sedgewick creptdown to the gun deck.What cunning!What bravery!(STUTTERING)Oh, it was nothing. Really.I told youthey were heroes.SEDGEWICK: I don't have togo to the bathroom no more!PIRATE: Get a move on.Hurry it up!Welcome tomy kingdom, Prince.It's not quite as homelyas your father's,but it's greatfor entertaining.SAILORS: Whoa!Have fun!You can't hide, Robert.My father will send help.(LAUGHING)Oh, I would enjoy that.All are welcome.(GRUNTING)Watch your step.Any signof the inn yet?Anything?Not yet.My father will be very pleasedthat his Helpseeker found you all.You love your dada lot, huh?Oh, yes.He's a wonderful king.Wise, brave, but he always findstime for me, his little Eloise.Oh, that's great.I'd figure a king would bekind of busy most of the time.Oh, but he's much morethan just an ordinary king.Do you have children?Sure do. George Jr.and Lucy. Great kids.I'm sure they know how luckythey are. A hero for a father!(SIGHING)ELLIOT: I see something!It looks like an innor something.WILLORY: I'm asking again,my lady,for your own safety,please return to the ship.You are a princess, and this innis full of treacherous pirates!Yes, thank you, Willory.But my brother'slife may be at stake.Even princessescan do what's right.Yes, of course.You'll need to befrienda group of pirates,then ask them about theowner of this cutlass.Right.And, for heaven's sake,keep your wits about you.These are treacherous men.PIRATE: Join in!PIRATES: (SINGING)Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh,argh, argh, argh, argh, arghArgh, argh, argh, argh, argh,argh, argh, argh!Grab your root beer,hold it high!Whack your shipmatein the eye!Yank his hairand break his nose!Watch your back,it's Jolly Joe's!Grab your root beer,hold it high!Whack your shipmatein the eye!Yank his hairand break his nose!Watch your back,it's Jolly Joe's!Argh, argh, argh, argh, arghArgh, argh, argh, argh, arghSCOOTER: You've got itnow! Keep it up, lads!Swing your shipmate, promenadeSmack him with a rusty bladeSpin around and do-si-doWatch your step,it's Jolly Joe'sSwing your shipmate, promenadeSmack him with a rusty bladeSpin around and do-si-doWatch your step,it's Jolly Joe'sArgh, argh, argh, argh, arghArgh, argh, argh, argh, arghSCOOTER: Watch yourbacks, scalawagons!Argh, argh, argh, argh, arghPirates do as pirates pleaseWe're terrorsof the Seven SeasAnd when we've pillagedall our foesThere ain't no placelike Jolly Joe's!Grab a keg of ginger aleHop up on a wooden pailDrop it onyour shipmate's toes!Oh!There ain't no placelike Jolly Joe's!Argh, argh, argh, argh, arghArgh, argh, argh, argh, argh,argh, argh, argh, argh, arghArgh, great! Argh!(PIRATES CHATTERING)They sound jolly, butthey don't look so jolly.Okay, boys,deal them up.That deck's gotto be swabbed.Excuse me, gentlemen.I was wondering if you could,if you could tell me...(STUTTERING)(GEORGE TITTERING)What's the matter there?Parrot got your tongue?(ALL LAUGHING)Well, I...He looks like a captain,but he talks like a cabin boy!It isn't going to work.Let's just go.Let me try. You got to knowhow to talk to these guys.Argh!'Twas a fine day at sea today.Took a 12-gun brigantineand 10,000 pieces of eight.Argh! Well, we tookan 18-gun sloopand 20,000 piecesof eight.Aye, but did youshow no mercy?Not a bit!Were you cruel and unusual?The cruelest!Well, me hearties,that was a fine day!(ALL LAUGHING)Grab a chair,and join the game!All right!Come on in. Serve them up,pour them up, pull them up.Ahem! By the way, mateys,have any of you seen this?(ALL GASPING)(CHAIRS RATTLING)Is that a yes or a no?JOLLY JOE: Aye, lad.The cutlassbelongs to Robert.Robert the Terrible.My uncle!You have his cutlass,but you're not he.The others were fooled,but I know better.You know where wecould find this fellow?His fortress is hidden.But I've heard tell of an island,past the Rocks of Malabar.On that island, a cave.And in that cave, the cluesto finding his secret lair.Not that I'd golooking for it.And why shouldn't they?They don't call him"Robert the Terrible" for nothing.He's the King's own brother,but he's as bad as the King is good.Tried to take the throneby force, he did.And, for his treachery,was banished from Monteria.So he's a little nasty.A little?(CHUCKLES) Aren't youup for a little adventure?I hear tell, lockeddeep in his fortress,he's harnessedthe mechanical arts,to make himselfstronger than the King.With terribleiron legs and arms.Not that terrible.His iron clawcan crack a coconut!Stop trying to scare them.Story says he's waitingfor the King to step away,just long enough to grabhis beloved childrenand take the thronefor his own.So, what wouldhe do with them?For Robert to claim the throne,they must be gone!(GASPING)On vacation?Princess Eloise?(CHUCKLES)So, what would he dowith someonewho was helpingthe Prince and Princess?A cucumber slices muchmore easily than a coconut.(GRUNTING)(PANTING)Oh, for Pete's sake.Okay, that's enough adventurefor this gourd.GEORGE: Clearing tables is reallykind of fun when you think about it.Don't leavewithout me!GEORGE:Which way would be home?George! Sedgewick! Elliot!Where are you going?We must sailfor the island at once!Unless, of course, ourheroes are giving up.(TITTERING) Oh, no.It's just that, you know,heroes can be very busy.And now that this situationis under control,we've been beckonedto another crisis.Somewhere else.You must be mistaken.The Helpseekerbrought you here,and only the Helpseekercan send you back.According tomy father's notes,the red button brings help,and the blue button sends you home.But I don't believe it will lightuntil your work here is done.I want to go home!Just get me back to 1972.I'll walk from there.I don't understand.You're our heroes!Brave as lionsand cunning as foxes.Are you the lion?'Cause I'm not the lion.No, you're the chicken.He's the spineless sea sponge.Who are you?I don't know. I'm likea sleepy little panda.My father brought you herefor a reason,and your work hereis not done.(DOOR OPENING)All right, here arethe Rocks of Malabar.But look! There'sno island anywhere.But Jolly Joe said there'san island past the rocks.Well, you'rethe King's heroes.I'll leave theinterpretation up to you.Ta-ta!I don't knowabout you,but if I bump into that Robert guy,I'm going to wet myself.Well, let's at least go look.It won't be that hard.We sail to the Rocks, lookaround a little, and then go home.Our work will be done.No island, nothing more we can do.I don't know.Well, what ifthe map is wrong?Come on, guys.We'll be fine.We can look like heroes withoutdoing anything dangerous.That does havea nice ring to it.Great plan, George.What he lacks in spine,he makes up for in brain.MAN: (SINGING) Raise the maston the Steadfast!Swifter thana bareback seahorseSailing an unchartedsea courseWho could survivesuch a dangerous missionAlongside pirateswith zero ambition?We got the coconuts pouredWe dropped the hooks overboardAnd if you geta little seasickWe play the haddockfor a hat trickWe got the hammockson the main deckALL: Swingin' lowWe got the butler doingthe henpeckBOTH: Screaming soHe say you should have beenswabbin' the poop deckWe don't knowIt's what the otherpirates do-doBut we're bringing youYo-ho heroesStanding in the gap,where'd you put the toys?Time to take a napYo-ho heroesFlighty as a birdEasy is the wordYo, I'm seeing no heroesWe're on a limbo crazeIt's a relicfrom our limber daysNow we're stuckinside the limbo zoneThat's where the pirates gowith too much timeand a missing spineYo-ho heroesStanding in the gapWhere'd you put the map?Take another napYo-ho heroesStrike a better poseThat's the way it goesYo, I'm seeing no heroesWe're on the bad mood swingWe haven't done one thingNot even the minimumdaily requirementWe got the funkwithout the ParliamentBut if you're feelinga little seasickRise and shineAnd you want to get offthe guilt tripNow's the timeBecause the captainof the main shipRings the chimeHe could be comingbefore you know himWhat are you gonna show him?Go, heroesStanding in the gapTaking up the slackFollowing the King's mapGo, heroesSteady as a rockI know it's a shockYo, let's be a heroGo, heroStanding in the gapTaking up the slackFollowing the King's mapGo, heroSteady at the wheelKeep an even keelYo, there be the King's heroesELOISE: The Rocks of Malabar!Well, that's it.No island around here.Time to go home.Fellows, fellows!Let us not give up so easily.The islandmay still lie ahead.(THUNDER RUMBLING)SEDGEWICK: What is that?WILLORY: El Remolino,the great whirlpool!But no pirate will sail beyond theRocks of Malabar for fear of it.I thought it was piratelegend, but there it is.Okay,time to go home.No islands out here.No, we're going tokeep going.But didn't you hear him?It's a giant whirlpool!"Captain George'sDeath Cruise,"brought to you byGeorge, the Crazy Grape.I thoughtyou were on our side.Thank you, George.Might bea giant whirlpool.Might not be.Let's hold our course!(LIGHTNING CRASHES)That whirlpool holdsnothing but our own demise!Oh, really?The island!Huh. How about that?What?How could...It's a sea mirage.Water droplets in the airreflecting the sky so perfectlythey block the islandfrom view.Weather Channel.(CHUCKLES) Right on time.And lookwho they left behind.(BOTH LAUGHING)Do you think there aresnakes on this island?'Cause snakesare on my list.Oh, I'm sure there are snakes.Big ones, too.And spidersand bears.Huh?Of course, the real questionis why are we on this island?I don't follow you.We had a plan!Sail to the Rocks,don't find the island, go home!Which part eluded you?It was a sea mirage!You knew that,but we didn't need to know that.It's an adventure.I don't wantany more adventure!I should be home on the couchright now, eating cheese curlsand watchingThe Love Boat!Instead, I'm stuck herewith Captain Weather Channelon my way to be sliced anddiced by Edward Scissorhands!Look, I don't knowwhat I'm doing here.I'm just tryingto help Eloise.Let's just get the cluesfor the Princess.Maybe then we can go home.Now, if I were a cave,where would I be?Right about there.(BATS SCREECHING)(HOWLING)Dark, creepy cavesare on my list.Sedgewick,look for the clues.Oh, yeah. To bring meeven closer to my death.So, what's wrongwith our boat?We can't sneak up on themin a pirate boat, you ninny.So, what dothey look like?What?The clues.I don't know.Maybe a map or a model ofthe world carved out of rock.Or maybe a billboard.Not likely.Too obvious.No, really.A billboard.What?"If a sailorwere to look for me,"the Eastis where he'd start."He'd reachthe Isle of Walking Rocks"and the Clapping Passwould part."Then gaze with prideupon my keep,"not found on any chart,"till he would spymy steely eye"and fearwould stop his heart."Ooh."Copyright Robert the Terrible.All rights reserved."Oh, yeah. That soundslike fun and all,but I'd kind of like to keep my heartgoing, if it's all the same to you.So, what do we got?We head East to...The Isle of Walking Rocksand the Clapping Pass.And that's wherethis Robert guy hangs out.And then somethingabout cardiac arrest.I don't know, call me crazy, but maybeour senses of fun are a little bitdifferent.Holy mackerel.Holy mackerel!What? What is it?What? What is it?Pieces of eight?Spanish gold?Even better.SEDGEWICK: Cheese curls!GEORGE: What?Cheese curls.Thousands of them.Maybe millions!Well, grab a few andlet's get back to the boat.I'm not goingback to the boat.(LAUGHING)What do you mean you'renot going back to the boat?The way I see it,I have two choices.Go back to the boat andcontinue our little adventureuntil we all diein terrible ways,or stay on this islandand frolic in the sunwith a lifetime supplyof my favorite snack food.Now, I'm noAlbert Einstein,but I'm thinking thechoice is pretty clear.But, the Princess, shethinks we're heroes.Well, she's wrong.Heroes are tall and strong and braveand handsome, like Sir Frederick.We aren't anyof those things.When you're done pretending,come on back.I'll save youa few cheese curls.Fine.Have it your way.I will. Thank you.You're not welcome.(CHUCKLING)Where do I start?How about you, my little friend?(SCREECHING)What?(ALL SCREECHING)Hey, hey, hey, fellas?GEORGE:Oh, what does he know?I know we're not real heroesbut we're not doing so bad.Let's justget back to the boat.Where is she going?She's sailing away.But the clues!Maybe she didn'tneed them after all.(BEEPING)Are you beeping?It's my bag.The ball. It's the blue button!We can go home now.What? That doesn'tmake any sense.It meansour work is done.GEORGE:Where's the rowboat?But the ball! It's blinking!We can go home.Hold on a sec.How long has that been here?It's one of Robert's boats.But where are the men?The ball!It's blinking!GEORGE:Something ain't right.They've got the Princess!We got to help her!Come on!Listen,when the ball blinks,our work is doneand we can go home.Don't you want to go home?Don't you want to see your kids?Sure I want tosee my kids.But I also want themto want to see me.You know, maybe the reasonthey don't look up to meis because I haven't given themsomething worth looking up to.But the ball.Hey, that ball thoughtwe were heroes.It was wrong about that.It could be wrong about this, too.Look, Elliot.If you want to go home,you can go home.But Eloise needs me.And I need to do what's right.(GRUNTING)(WHOOSHING)Let's go save a princess!Help is on the way!Help!What kind of a crazyB movie am I in?Attack OfThe Killer Cheesecurls?Okay, guys.Let's be reasonable.I wasn't reallygoing to eat you,but you were impersonatinga snack food!(SCREAMING)(THUDDING)Okay, we're off!I don't think we cancatch up with them.I think you're right. Then we'lljust have to follow the clues.The clues?Yeah, from the billboard.Head East to the Islandof Walking Rocks.You thinkthat's a good idea?No, but I haven't gota better one.East it is!GEORGE: The other east.ELLIOT: East it is!(GROANS)My sacroiliac.At least I lostthose cheese curls.(SQUEAKING)(WHIMPERS)They're like roaches!Sick, demented,cheese-flavored roaches!They stuck me hereon purpose.I bet George knew about those littlethings from the Weather Channel, too.He's trying to kill me.(PANTING)I can't climb that.It's too far.It isn't worth it.Eaten by his ownfavorite snack food.Could be worse. I could beeaten by something I don't like.I give up.It was a good life.At least that one day,from about 2:00 to 2:30.(SNAPPING)Hey!Where did...That's mine!Ellen.I bet she'd want meto come back.(SQUEAKS)What?The light.The crabwill show me the light.Maybe I can't do it,but maybe I can!And this is the dayto find out!(GRUNTING)(LAUGHING)Sorry, boys!Gourd is off the menu!(WHOOPING)What do you want, Robert?Isn't it obvious?I want the throne, the crown!For years I watchedmy "noble" brotheruse his power for the benefit of everyfamily in Monteria except our own!Feed the poor,help the sick.The widows,the orphans,blah, blah, blah.My father is a goodand generous King.Indeed.He took Monteria's wealth,our wealth, my wealth,and squandered iton strangers. Peasants!When the crown is mine, I can onceagain enjoy the benefits of royalty.You're not strong enough to takethe crown from my father's head.Perhaps not.But with you and yoursister out of the way,I'll be next in linefor the throne.And if your father should havean unfortunate accident...What do you mean?Ambition isthe mother of invention.A little something Iworked up during my exile.Amazing whatblack powder can do,floating just beneaththe surface.A little demonstration.Off you go,Your Highness.(LAUGHING)Of course, I can't just leavethem in the harbor waiting,or I'll blow upmy own ships.So I need to know something.When is the King returning?He didn't say.But even if he had, I'd givemy own life before I'd tell you!But would you giveyour sister's?(DOOR OPENING)Alexander!Surely you must know whenyour father is returning!(SIGHING)If you can manage to remember,I might considersparing the two of you.You have two hoursto think it over.Otherwise,when the sand runs out,so do the Princeand Princess.Put them in their cell.Oh, Father,who can help us now?ELLIOT: (SINGING)Papa's got a gumball, NelliePapa's got a gumball, SuePapa's got a gumball, NellieI think I'll blowa bubble for youOh, Papa's gota pork chop, Nellie,Papa's got a pork chop...Will you stop that?What? It's a good song.Don't you like it?After the 32nd verse,it grates.Besides,it's making me hungry.Look at this.I suppose Robert's fortressis beyond those peaks.But there's supposedto be a pass.ELLIOT:The Clapping Pass, right?Right.I don't see anything.You think that's the Islandof Walking Rocks?It's got rocks, but they don'tappear to be going anywhere.Maybe it's poetic license.I'm going to look for the pass.You hang out here.(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)(CHUCKLES)Walking rocks.(SINGING) Look at us,we're walking rocksWe don't wearany shoes or socksLa-la-la-la-la(RUMBLING)(GRUNTING)(WEAKLY) George?George!(RUMBLING)That must lead to the fortress.Hey, Elliot!(SCREAMING) The rocks!Huh?(SCREAMING)(SCREAMING)(CHUCKLING)There's another one!(BOTH SCREAMING)(COOING)Do you think one of thosecould crush a coconut?GEORGE: Are you kidding?One of those couldcrush a Volkswagen!(ROARING)I thinkwe woke up Dad.Do you suppose he'llput the kids on time-out?Not likely. It was niceknowing you, Elliot!You too, George.Thanks for the adventure.Don't mention it.(GEORGE AND ELLIOT CRYING)(PANTING)BOTH: Sedgewick!(COUGHING)Hey! I've beenlooking for you.I followed the clues.They worked out pretty well.That was a swim.(GASPING)Company?(SQUEAKING)SEDGEWICK: Oh, no.I hate these guys!(SCREECHING)(SCREAMING)(ROCKS GIGGLING)Sedgewick, keep it up.I think they like it.Oh, sure, yeah. I'll just keeprunning all day. No problem.Oh, it had to be me. It's not...I am so tired... Would you...(LAUGHING)Somebody eat them.Would you?(GIGGLING)That was a good idea, swimmingover here with those...Whatever they are.(RUMBLING)GEORGE: Oh, no. We got to getthrough there before it closes!SEDGEWICK: What? Why?Robert has the Princeand the Princess.Hang on.Now, this is the guy who wantsto crush us like coconuts, right?Uh-huh.And you're going to go inthere and stand up to him?Yep.And you're inon this, too?Mmm.(BOTH GRUNTING)Okay.We go to row throughbefore it closes.I don't thinkthat's possible,and that'scoming from a guywho just swam 92 nauticalmiles without arms or legs.GEORGE: Well, you gota better idea?(GRUNTING)Yeah. We need to get through.Can you help?What's he gonna do, chuck usinto the side of the mountain?We'll just have totrust him.Trust him?He's a rock!(ALL EXCLAIMING)"Trust the rock,"he says.I don't understand.Guys?GEORGE: We're not going to makeit. The pass is almost closed.Guys?SEDGEWICK: "Trust the rock.Trust the rock."Guys!BOTH: What?(ALL EXCLAIMING)Row!(ALL SCREAMING)Oh, the Clapping Pass.I get it.Must be some kind of asecret bay or something.So, where'sthis fortress?Oh.Found it.Won't theysee us coming?We're flying their flag.We should be fine.There you go.They got a garage!Well, that makes it easy.Too easy.It's not guarded or anything.SEDGEWICK: They don't need to guardit. Nobody can find this place.Huh?Hey, guys?There's bubbles.(BOTH SCREAMING)(ROARS)(SCREAMING)Look out!He's going to eat us!(CRYING)Don't eat me!Back off, serpent,or taste my steel!SEDGEWICK: What?(BOTH GASPING)(ROARING)(SEDGEWICK AND GEORGEWHIMPERING)Huh?Hi, guys.It's a contraption.I found a big lever inside,shut the whole thing down.Pretty cool, huh?Guys?Oh, dear.Like sandthrough the hourglass,so are the last fewminutes of our lives.Okay, guys, let'sgo get the Princess.I'm hoping this will leadup to the dungeon level,and that's where we'll findthe Prince and Princess.ELLIOT: Wow!Their dungeon has a swimming pool.Oh, no.It's a cistern.A what?Their supply of drinking water.So they could last formonths during a battle.The dungeon must beon the next level up.Hey! I foundthe stairs.Hmm.So, what are we going to dowhen we get to the dungeon?Huh? Oh, I haven'tfigured that part out yet.Oh, good.I was thinking we had a plan.Hey, I think we're there.It's locked.(SNORING) GEORGE: Yep, thisis the dungeon, all right.And look!There's the Princess!(SOFTLY) Princess Eloise!Princess Eloise!What?WILLORY: It's...Who is it?It's...Our heroes!We've cometo rescue you.Do you have the keys?If only we couldget real small.(WHIRRING)ELLIOT:That is one neat toy.It is not a toy.It's a labor-saving device.Come on!Time's a-wastin'!(SNORING)Huh? Huh?(ALL GASPING)(ALL SIGHING)What manner of magicis this?It's not magic.It's RadioShack!(BEEPING)GEORGE: All right, quickly!I knew you'd come back.(BANGS LOUDLY)(YELLING)We got to go.Follow me.(BELL CLANGING)Quick! The keys!But this way is...Now!Time's up.Hello! What's this?Someone wanted tospoil my fun?Surely not you?(TITTERING)Oh, no, sir.Then you three?(TITTERS)They're heroessent by my father.They'll be your undoing.The King's heroes?Then you can answer my question.When will the King return?He didn'tmention it to us.It didn't come up.Surely the King's heroeswould know of his plans!Tell mewhen the King will return,or say goodbyeto the Princess.(WHIMPERING)Let her go!We're not the King's heroes.We're not heroes at all.It was alla misunderstanding.Explain.We're no heroes.We're cabin boys.We work in a restaurant.We clear dishes. We clean up.We give people refillson their soft drinks.That's right.The King's heroes?He's so lazy, he can't evenclimb a ladder without giving up.(TITTERING)Yeah, and he's scared of everything.Spiders, snakes,wicker furniture.(TITTERING)It's true.(TITTERING)And George there,he's such a wimp, even hisown son thinks he's a loser.Isn't that right?Is it true?It's true.The ball made a mistake.We're no heroes. We're...BLIND MAN:When all hope is gone,help will come from abovein the shape of a donkey.Donkeys.We're not donkeys.We're cabin boys.But even cabin boyscan do what's right!Follow me!Elliot! The ball!Here.(SNORING)We reallyneed help right now.(BEEPING)Get in!What?Everybody, lean!No! Get them!(ALL SCREAMING)It's more fun if you holdyour hands in the air.What was that?The drain.We're getting out of here!(ALL EXCLAIMING)I'm feeling flushed!You've got to be kidding!Quick! To the ship!ALL: Whoa!(WHOOPING)SEDGEWICK: What a ride!You did it!We're not done yet.Row! Row like the wind!We've got company!Row! Row! Row!Can I ask where we're rowing to?The pass is closed!It could open up at any second.Keep rowing!(ROBERT CHUCKLING)ROBERT: A noblebut pointless effort.Gentlemen, take them out.(GEORGE SCREAMING)(SCREAMS)SEDGEWICK: This is notgoing so well.Unless that pass opens up,we're doomed.We can'tget much further.Is there anythingthat ball can do now?We really need help.ELLIOT: Help!Nothing.It's not blinking.They're in range now, boys.Finish them.(RUMBLING)Whoa!What is it?I don't know.Father!It can't be!You know what to do, men.Watch your aim.Quickly!Disable the ship!(MEN SCREAMING)Where are you going?Back to your posts!Return fire!Against the King's men?You are mad!(SCREAMING)(GROWLING)Men, hold your fire.On my word, Brother,I'm not finished!I'll never be finished untilthat crown is on my head!For amazing tenacity,unwillingness to give up.For extraordinary braveryin the face of grave danger.For leadership and cunningin a time of great peril.You wish to speak?We're glad we could help.Your kids are real sweet.But the ball,it doesn't work right.We're no heroes.We're cabin boys.There were no mistakes.The Helpseeker pickedexactly whom I intended.And I made sure you had everythingyou needed to complete the task.The crab thatshowed you the way,the lever thatsaved your friends.The donkey from above.The adventure I call you tomay not be easy,but you'll neverjourney alone.My help is always there.When we were on the island, theball said it was time to go home.That was a test, which youpassed with flying colors.Sometimes, a test helps usdecide what matters most.The hero isn't thestrongest or the fastestor the smartestor the best-looking.The hero is the one who,no matter how hard,does what he knowsis right.Monteria!I give you three heroes!(ALL CHEERING)WILLORY: Are you sureyou don't want to stay?We can always usea few more heroes.No. I want tosee my kids.And my Ellen!And Bernadette!KING:Fare thee well, friends.Your work hereis done.(BEEPING)ELLIOT: Sure enough.Hang on.You know, I liked themfrom the very beginning.(MUSIC PLAYING) Heroes are back to their own time/Final battle/Ending We're back. The show's on! It must be Friday. I got to find my kids. And the girls! () :Actors: ::Our shirts are loose ::Our pants are tight ::It's Spanish gold for all tonight ::It's Spanish gold for all tonight Caroline! Kids! There they are! (ALL GASPING) (GASPING) :Actors: ::It's a fine night for a pirate fight. ::It's Spanish gold for all tonight ::So bringa hearty appetite ::Our aim is true ::Our cause is rightIt's Spanish goldfor all tonight () Oh, no! He thinks Sir Frederick is me! () :SIR FREDERICK: ::It's Spanish gold for all tonight ::As Spaniards quake to see the sight ::Our flag unfurled with black and white ::It's Spanish- (He then gets pushed out of the way) Sire Fredrick:'''Hey! () '''Robert the Terrible: There's no King to save you now, cabin boy! Elliot! The ball! It's blinking! (GRUNTING)Here it is. Stall him! Andy! Trigger B! Elliot: Say hello to my little friend. Take that! () Elliot: Whoa! No! Robert the Terrible: Enough tricks! () A little help? (???_ Robert the Terrible: (SCREAMING) Ouch. (???) Time to go home. Robert the Terrible: Uh-oh. () (ALL CHEERING) All right! That's my dad! Can I come over to your house? I'd like to rethink your auditions. You could really add something to the show. I don't think we need to be in the show after all. Life has plenty of adventure of its own. Category:Transcripts